Dieting

Now that I can be found rocking around Queensgate in my new Reebok Easytones (thanks Banks Shoes) and I am on a quest to wear short shorts (not really, that'd be a bit of a public nuisance, but the Reebok ad says I'll be able to, so I'd like to believe them, they'll look great with my Ugg Boots) it's time to take my eating in hand, and bring out the big D word. Diet. There are so many different ways and means to do this, but what I find hard to get my head around is The Rules, so I've been compiling a list:

It does NOT count toward a diet if:
- You eat it on Saturday
- You wash it down with diet coke
- It isn't cooked yet (like cake batter)
- You only eat it in small slices at a time
- It comes off the kids plates
- It is in liquid form
- It's on top of a salad
- It's eaten while you're standing up

It's a good diet if:
- You get a feeling of smugness by using the phrase "I'm trying to be good"
- It includes steak
- It includes chocolate
- You are eating enough to maintain brain function

Remember: It's not a good diet if you don't get to be a fun, normal person. You are what you eat. And no one makes friends with salad.